Moving In Together

Wednesday, 07/29/2009

Moving in together can be one of the most rewarding steps in a relationship, but it's also one of the biggest and riskiest. There's a big chance this will be the first and last man you live with romantically, so you'll want to tread wisely. Sadly, almost half of all couples who move in together separate within five years. While every couple is different, there are ways to make the best of this test and not fizzle out as a statistic. Here are a few things to consider and discuss before his casa is your casa.

Be comfortable with yourself. You're going to see all his sides and yes, he'll see yours. You can only pretend for so long that you don't go number two or break out around your period. Basically the jig is up, and you're now entering the unedited version of your relationship. Before, you were living in the carefully constructed, rose-tinted version of your relationship; now come the bloopers and should-have-been deleted scenes. No emotional rock will be left unturned.

Start this new chapter together in a brand new place. Think of the extra effort to find a place and location on which you both agree as a trial period. Agreeing on such crucial decisions is key. Don't just move into his place or he into yours, because someone's going to lose out. Starting with a clean slate is important so that neither of you feels like visitor in his or her own home.

Another thing to keep clean: your credit card. Be very careful about big purchases. Together you'll probably buy a couch, a new bed, and other run-of-the-mill expensive items. Be careful that one person doesn't feel too saddled financially. Discuss the ramifications of all your expenses. If things turn sour (fingers crossed they won't), money is the first thing to be thrown around in a nasty fight. If you're in a situation where one of you is supporting the other, make sure both parties are completely comfortable with it, no strings attached.

Be flexible and resilient. You always eat Chinese on Sundays and you can't have a Tuesday night without your three favorite shows. Guess what, it's also his kitchen now, and he has his eye on that DVR too. In the early honeymoon period he might not mind Gossip Girl fests, but he will return to his old self soon. He might want the TV off when he's tired, or maybe he'll hate the weekly TV nights and want to get out of the house instead. These changes might sound minimal, but they remove you from your comfort zone and you might start to grow resentful. The more flexible you are, the better off you'll be for the long haul.

Speaking of getting out of the house, do it. Just because you live together, doesn't mean you have to spend 24/7 together. Go out with your friends, spend time alone, go for a walk to clear your head whenever new tensions boil up. Try to treat each other like a roommate you've got a crush on and always respect each other's freedom and space.

Discuss those annoying things like chores before the movers arrive. You should know by now that he doesn't really like to do dishes or has never cleaned a toilet. If you think it sounds like a non-issue now, it's going to bother you in two months when you're exhausted from work and he's picking his nose reading Game Informer while you vacuum under his dirty feet. (Or vice-versa; if he's a neat-freak, make an effort to curb your messy ways.)

Be aware that things are going to change. Either they'll get better, or they'll get worse, but they won't stay the same. Know that there will be fights over space. It's important to stay an individual, and see your friends and family. However much you want to be home cooking and cuddling with him, don't neglect the world you've worked so hard to create, all by yourself.